Buzz Yap

With nearly a third of a bag of coffee ground, perked and introduced orally into my bloodstream, I write to you Fishwrap mongrels.

Summertime is winding down, so the television says. Kids are flooding the malls and the huge grocery aisles prepping themselves for another nine months of twisted inculcation into the work force of the next twenty years. The Trapper Keepers have been replaced by Blackberry Machines, portable computers and ultralight cell phones that one can use for everything including actual phone conversation. So I'm told by my tidy Cingular rep at the University Village Shopping Center.

AC/DC's Back in Black now is the theme music for the new Motorola RAZR phone. At times I wish I worked in advertising so I could increase the learning curve between consumer and product, and try to convince my superiors that giving away free cable for people willing to subcutaneously implant ad chips under their fingernails is a fine idea.

Why bother even looking at images anymore? I want my AC/DC Motorola RAZR pill in convenient blister paks of 20.

We need to push the envelope, people. I want to see what happens when the ultimate cynicality of the marketplace is embraced by all. I want to be the Man in the High Castle of Commerce.
Not only be the man Behind the Curtain, but the man who will wrap you up in it because the curtain fibers are made from a new chewing gum flavor that reeks of mating pheromones and the blood of the poor.

Comcast has a great new commercial about their internet hookup where the backround lyrics say "NOOW, I want it now. Want it now - no time to wait or hesitate. Noww, I want it now!"

I want to see a reality show where contestants are literally shovelling through an enormous pile of consumer goods while being chased by grizzly bears who've been fed a steady diet of stanazalone for over a year. Whatever they can hold on to before being mauled is theirs and our compliments on a game well-played. Kudos for those who attempt to turn the bear on to the iPOD or mate with it while slathered in anti-aging cream.

Better yet, let's have a "trading places"-themed show where hidden cameras are placed in an entire neighborhood while hallucinogenics are tastefully introduced into the water supply.

Let's destroy all the restraints of the Good Society and see what lies on the other side. I want all of humanity to submit to the inherent desire to manipulate and control the environment in which we live for the sake of pure profit and appearance. I want one thousand glittering kings, corpulent and stupid, squinting their beady eyes up to a dying sun.

I want it now, I want it now. Want it now, no time to wait or hesitate. Nowww.....